Today was my first day as a teacher - ever. It was a little rough, seeing as how Korean kids are allowed to behave about a thousand times rowdier than American kids, and they can’t understand me when I threaten their loud, rambunctious behinds. Also, even if I could learn every kid in the school’s name by the first week (that’s right, in Korean schools, every kid in 3 grades goes to my English class once a week), turns out they all sound the same when you’re quickest pneumonic device is to think, okay, remember that that one’s name sounds Asian. I had the same problem in Barcelona with the metro stops... okay, remember it sounds Spanish-y and has an ‘a’ near the end... not the most reliable way to figure out how to get places.
In order to combat my own ignorance (because turns out they write their own names using Korean letters, not phonetically in English - who knew?), and because I thought it would be fun for them, I decided to let them choose English names to be called in my class. I’d just make a seating chart and let them fill it in with their new names, ones I was good at pronouncing. Brilliant! Being my first day and all, and not knowing how many English names the average 15-year-old Korean kid knows, I decided make a list of common male names they could choose from if they couldn’t come up with one on their own.
So I started listing all the names I could come up with, and believe it or not, after like 7, I started having trouble. How is that possible? So then I started thinking of groups of people who I could list, like biblical people, movie and TV characters, Cowboys players and ooh, Ticket personalities, presidents, and every male in my family. It got pretty fun at that point.
I didn't fully realize how funny it would actually be until at the end of my first class I look down and see what the kids have chosen. Oh, I see here that Bob and Dan sit next to each other, that makes sense. I wonder if they know that that funny bald kid over there, Donovan, is supposed to be their sidekick? And that we are going to have to play Gay or Not Gay every time they are in class (even though in Korea the answer will always be Not Gay). I also notice that I have students named Linguini (neither a name, nor technically English since I’m pretty sure it’s Italian, but guess whose name I'll never forget?), I Love You (but you don’t even know me), and Sexy Man (total misnomer because he is neither).
Wouldn’t it be great if they somehow just knew who their namesakes were? This is how I imagine class going:
How was everyone’s weekend? What’s that Bill? You and Ted had an excellent adventure? Cool, but I hope you are able to keep your bogus journeys to a minimum.
Gordon, you are always disrupting class, of course, but your Bart Simpson impression is dead on. And please stop bothering George, no matter how much it makes Junior laugh.
Felix, your face says you’re 70, and Patrick, stop staring at me with those giant eyes. Tony, you look like you’d be a heartbreaker... if this wasn’t an all-boys school. Also, quit throwing things because the other kids will just pluck that balled up paper right out of the air.
Wayne, Garth, both of you need haircuts. Try using this Suck-Cut. And after that I need coffee and cruellers, stat.
Matt, Mark, Luke, and John thanks for being so well-disciplined.
I’m doing great, Joey, now go sit down, and Chandler, pay attention and quit trying to make the other kids laugh.
Hey, if I can’t speak the language, at least I've come up with some way to entertain myself.
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